Comments on my paper

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  1. UnknownOctober 29, 2018 at 8:39 AM

    1.) Overall, the flow of your paper is pretty decent. It was relatively easy to follow and I understood what you were talking about. I would extend your abstract and introduction a little more and identify what the problem is and why it is important to be studied.
    2.) The language you used is overall clear and concise, but increasing your vocabulary might be helpful in this paper instead of using small words. You did a good job of not going off in the first person and avoided using those pronouns. Sometimes your sentences would run on and there would be too many commas when it would have been better to just start a new sentence, so that is also something to think about. The appendix and references section looks good, but I would definitely make your paper a little longer as I don't think you met the required word count of 1200. There is also no conclusion and your discussion should be broken off into sections and made way longer. It does follow the APA style correctly, but make sure the "Running head" header is only on the first page.
    3.) The first part of your paper follows the IMRaD pretty well. The abstract should mention the major information from each section, the intro does have a gap and related research, but I would explain why it is important a little more and state your hypothesis. The methods section looked clean and easy to follow, but you didn't have a Data Analysis section. For the results, I would add at least one more table or chart to give better visual representation. Also, talk a little more about the statistics discovered in your survey and why they matter. Your discussion section needs some work, it seems that you crammed everything in there. Elaborate more on your findings, why they are important, relate it back to your introduction, and have different sections for implications and future research.
    4.) Overall, the data you retrieved was pretty sufficient for a good report. You do need to analyze it more in your text and make your report longer. Adding more charts and graphs and then discussing them could help with that. You also need to indicate our understanding to the topic in relation to your survey or experiment in your intro or discussion section.
    5.) One area for improvement would be increasing the length of the paper, which can be done by adding more discussion and analysis. I would also incorporate more of your resources and cite them in your text, I see a lot of references but they aren't really referenced in your text. Lastly, I would divide the discussion part into sections like Implications and Future Research to make it easier to follow and satisfy the IMRaD format.

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  2. UnknownOctober 29, 2018 at 12:14 PM

    1. The topic of the paper is interesting and there is some information that is interesting to learn about, but the flow was not perfectly smooth. Some sentences throughout the paper could be revised in order to present a clearer message, such as the sentence about health care providers in the abstract (cut down to Health care providers look...) or the first sentences of the first and second paragraph in your introduction(you cannot "do" a topic & list cancer prevention as a benefit, not just cancer).
    2. Language is formal, but there are changes that could be made, as in the examples above. First and second person pronouns are not used in the paper, which helps keep the tone more scholarly.
    Both the appendix and references are present, but the paper does seem to fall short of the length requirement.
    Formatting of the paper follows APA for the most part, but there are some small errors. The headers say "Running head" on every one, but it is only supposed to be on the very first header. The headers are done properly, but the subheadings are italicized when they need not be. In the references, the titles of articles should not be capitalized like normal, only the first word of yours should be.
    3. Abstract- this has good information that would be useful for knowing the quick data of the survey, but the importance of this research specifically, along with the research question itself, is not very clear.
    Intro- The research question is slighty more clear in the intro, but there could be revision to have at least one, concise statement. Also, there is only one source used in the intro, so it is hard to prove a gap in knowledge if you do not have multiple sources to compare and decide from. I do not know how your research is going to fill the gap- connect your survey to the background.
    Methods- Headings are clear in this section, but there is a grammatical error in the first sentence (change was to were). More description of the participants would be beneficial- add about their major, gender, or other relevant background info. I realize it is hard to do on facebook, but a survey question or two about background could. A sentence of data analysis is in the "procedure" section, but you might want to expand on in its own section.
    Results- There is only one visual aid for the data. More of the survey information and questions could be represented and discussed in this section. There was more data explanation from the outside sources than your own research.
    4. Quality of Survey/Analysis- I think your survey was set up well, with the questions on it providing interesting data. I do not think, however. that you analyzed it enough, and I would not have known you did more than one question just by reading the results section. The intro and disussion sections do talk about how exercise and physical activity can shape the population's health, but, as I previously mentioned, more of your own research can be tied in with the message of the paper.
    5. The three most important areas for improvement of your paper would be to:
    -synthesize the various sources more in the intro to provide background for the gap of knowledge
    -Discuss more questions of your survey in the results and discussion
    -provide a clearer research question


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